Brent and I watched the movie "Still Alice" last night. It's all about a woman with early onset of Alzheimer's disease. What a hard movie to watch, especially when it hits close to home. Granted, Mom has been diagnosed with something a little different (frontal lobe dementia) but so much of the disease mom is battling is similar to the character in this movie. I had my coffee in hand, sitting next to Brent and about 3 minutes into the movie I had to set my coffee down and I just snuggled into Brent's chest as I cried...for the rest of the night, and this morning, and now again tonight. ;) I miss my mom. Sometimes the reality of today fades the vivid memories of how she used to be, but that movie brought so many of those back. So many conversations I had with mom in the earlier stages of her sickness, as we cried, laughed, talked about babies, the future, life, joys, struggles, and all those things mom's and daughters talk about when they get together.
I have many wishes, those of which I try not to focus on too often...I wish I could pick up the phone and laugh with her about what one of our kids did or said. I wish she would call me by my name. I wish I could have a genuine conversation with her and gleam wisdom from her about all things in life. I wish she could pick on Brent as they laugh together. I wish my children would know who she was before she got sick. I wish she could call my kids by name and have them over for overnights. I pray my children see me in the word and praying daily as I saw my mom. I wish we could pray together when my heart is overwhelmed...all of these things I long for....however, tonight even though I'm crying I have such a heart of thankfulness for what we have shared.
We shared years of laughter, singing, game playing, and late night talks. We shared planning Brent and I's wedding together (one of my favorites), we shared her being with us in the delivery room when we had Mason (even if she did keep calling me my brothers name while I was pushing...that was when I knew something was not quite right with her mental condition) haha. (it's okay to laugh ;)) We shared the excitement of her getting a job in Arizona so they could live closer to us when we started our family. We shared conversation after conversation about anything and everything while laying by a pool. We shared our fears of her memory fading when she was officially diagnosed...these conversations and memories are fresh in my heart right now and I want them to stay that way.
One of the biggest things I often think about when I ponder on mom's decline and her current state is being intentional about living in the moment. That isn't always easy. Soak in those trips to Starbucks with your momma, or your pedicure together...because those precious conversations are priceless. I wish I had carried around a little recorder with me like Kevin on Home Alone. :) I'd be playing that thing back often when I have days like these where my heart just wants to remember...and although my memories are rolling down my cheeks, they won't leave me, they're tucked in my heart forever. I'm so blessed to have had the mom that I did...and still do, the blessings just come wrapped a little differently these days. ;) I sure don't know what the future holds, but I do know it is bright...because I know who holds the future.
3 comments:
This is beautiful. <3
Great post, Jess. Thanks for sharing your heart. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it has been for you.
Jess, thanks for sharing. What a testimony. I have such fond memories of your mom. She always had a smile and was so much fun. I can't imagine what you and Brent are going through. But as you said, you just have to have days of remembering. May God continue to guide your family through this journey. I love the woman you have become. Love, Debbie
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